Last weekend I was blessed to be a part of an incredible weekend retreat in Park City, Utah. Image Reborn Foundation offers retreats to breast cancer THRIVERS and I attended a one that was specifically for "young survivors". While I was one of the oldest participants (I'm 43 in case you were wondering), I felt like it was where I needed to be and the women who were there were amazing.
Never mind that Park City had something like 2 feet of snowfall while we were there and it was a mere 9 degrees on Sunday morning before I had to board the plane to return to sunny, WARM Tennessee. The snow was absolutely gorgeous and I couldn't believe views - the mountain terrain, ski slopes and unbelievable homes in the area. We were fortunate to stay in a "cabin" that had a fireplace in just about every room. It was about 10,000 square feet and was fabulous!
Our hostess, Shelia, made us feel pampered and loved. She is truly a generous and precious soul and I feel grateful that I was able to meet her and her sweet daughter. There were rules that we were required to follow: 1.) don't carry your own bags...anywhere and 2.) don't do anything (like clearing the table, cleaning up the dishes, etc). This is a woman who works full-time elsewhere and manages to pull together about 11-13 retreats each year. Shelia is an angel here on earth!
Image Reborn (with the help of Sheila) provided us with time to rest, time to connect and also time to be restored. One way was by offering us each a chair massage and facial. We were also thrilled to have almost two hours working with someone who shared the benefits of restorative yoga with us. She generously allowed us to take video of her so that we could practice some of the poses that she taught us. Now we can go to our (private) Facebook group and view the video whenever we need a refresher.
During lunch on Saturday we had the opportunity to talk to a doctor who discussed some of the unique issues young breast cancer survivors (AKA thrivers) have to face, such as chemo-pause (chemo-induced menopause) and all of the side effects it offers, as well as fertility issues, the risks of facing other gynecological cancers, etc. He patiently answered our questions and used the word "vagina" more than I think I've ever used in my entire life. I think he helped us find some ways to manage the unpleasant side effects many of us are experiencing as well as how to potentially reduce some of our risk factors, if at all possible, or just face them head on. He even told us that we are free to call his office if we have questions later.
We had a chef who helped us prepare our Saturday evening meal and most of us, I think, were surprised to enjoy the chopped kale salad (I even prepared it tonight for my family). She joined us for dinner and shared information from her website. I was part of the prep for the Irish soda bread with caraway seeds and raisins and it was a hit. I didn't expect to like the raisins in a baked bread (for me raisins belong in oatmeal cookies or cereal), but it was a really good bread.
One other visitor to the cabin allowed us to discuss more private issues related to self-esteem and intimacy. She was amazing and, again, patiently answered our (many) questions and offered as much practical advice as she could. We were thrilled that she stayed to have dinner with us and chatted more and provided examples of simple ways to improve our lives. It was serious and fun all at the same time and I was so thankful for the time she spent with us.
I don't know what else to say about what Image Reborn gave to all of us last weekend. They gave me women who understood what I am dealing with right now. They gave us incredible accommodations in a beautiful part of the country. We learned a lot about how to live our lives despite being diagnosed with this stupid breast cancer. Friendships were formed and I feel so fortunate to have spent just a couple of days with such strong, loving, compassionate women.
Thank you Image Reborn Foundation. Please check out the link if you would like more information about their retreats or how to support what the foundation.
Peace.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
It's a Boob, Not a Bomb!
I am preparing myself to take a little trip this weekend. I'll be flying out early Friday morning and returning Sunday evening. The Image Reborn Foundation is graciously allowing me to participate in a retreat for young breast cancer survivors. And yes, I did confirm that I fit into the "young" category, because there is some debate. There is a little trepidation on my part as this is the first time I have traveled (flown on an airplane) since my surgeries and treatment.
Today I discussed my concerns with my sister and we laughed as I tried to figure out how to handle my prosthesis situation. You know? The one boob that is fake and that I store in a box at night. I don't really know what it is made of, but I would prefer to not have some sort of intense search done by TSA when I'm trying to make it to my gate for a 7a flight. I am still not familiar with the rules and regulations that came about after 9/11/01 as I have only flown a handful of times since that time. I always have to read up again just to be sure that I have items packed correctly.
So, you see, is this prosthesis filled with fluid that would require some sort of disclosure? Do I mention it before I walk through the scanner? Will they just "know" because breast cancer seems to be running rampant around here these days and surely they have seen more than one of these things in their time working for the TSA? Was I supposed to ask my surgeon about some sort of letter to carry with me? Who knows. But people, it's a boob, not bomb, so surely they can figure it out, right? I mean, I'm basically bald so it should be pretty obvious what is going on in my world.
And just to make things a tad more complicated, I also have a port. This is the little contraption that was placed during my first surgery and is used to get blood samples and also for infusions (chemotherapy and now Herceptin). Again, I'm assuming they have seen more than one of these things and I also have a little card that I carry in my wallet, so I can at least explain this one easily. I have no idea what it is made of either, but I'm sure that the card will tell them what they need to know to allow me to board the plane.
I just don't know what to expect and that makes me uncomfortable and nervous. How will things go at the airport? How will I feel all day without hair and stuck wearing a hat even when I like to take it off at times when I'm home? I'm so self-conscious out in public sometimes that I don't know how I will be feeling while I travel, but I'm going to pray for people around me to appear understanding as it is certainly helpful.
I'm headed to Park City, Utah and have never been there. According to The Weather Channel app, it appears that the high while I am out there is in the low 30s (actually only 28 degrees on Saturday). I'm NOT a good packer to begin with and really hope to have as little as possible since it is such a short trip. Plus, I'm still such a weenie that I don't want to have to lug around too many bags. It will be cold, so that means warm clothing (sweaters, jackets, boots, etc) which always takes up lots of room. And I am lousy at making wardrobe decisions ahead of time. I'm a person who is usually in the "mood" to wear something in particular and if I don't have that particular item I end up feeling uncomfortable or out-of-place.
That's it folks. I'm BLESSED to have the opportunity to take this trip but stressed about the logistics. And hoping that no one thinks I've tucked a bomb into my super-unflattering bra. Good times people. :) I had hoped to be funnier, wittier and just plain make myself laugh, but once I started typing it wasn't happening. I hope you had a little chuckle at least. I've had some messages that I've left the blog inactive for too long, so I thought this was my time to post.
Peace.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Chemo #6: D.O.N.E.!!!
OK, so my LAST BIG CHEMO treatment was Monday, October 8th. It's been almost 3 weeks and I still haven't bothered to post. I apologize. It would seem that it was T.H.E. most important thing in my world and, at the time it was, but I just wasn't feeling "it".
I want to be celebrating. It is a big deal to get the big stuff over with but I was dreading the aftermath. They warn you that some of the side effects are cumulative, especially the fatigue, but I really couldn't have imagined how tired I would feel. And the issues with my mouth - potential mouth sores and the way that my taste buds were being ruined - were only getting worse for me. I couldn't find drinks that I enjoyed and that would satisfy my thirst. Food has tasted terrible for so long and I try to find what seems most enjoyable at the time, but it seems to change each time.
Thankfully I have also celebrated my last Neulasta injection and the last of the steroids that I take before, during and after big chemo. Both of these medications are an important part of the process, but they both certainly don't do much for me and my ability to push through each treatment. The Neulasta did it's job during each round of chemo. My white blood cell counts stayed at a level which allowed me to continue treatments and I also managed to avoid any major illnesses despite a non-existent immune system. And the steroids, well, I don't know exactly what they did for me, aside from contribute to assisting me pack on almost 20 lbs during the last 18 weeks. I believe they help reduce some of the potential side effects, so I guess they too did their job, because all and all, I think it went OK. Not great. But OK.
Chemo #5 really kept me down for a while. And it was just a hard time for me. I lost my friend, Wendy, to breast cancer on Sept. 22 and I just wasn't handling that very well. I spent a lot of time being alone. Some might think that is a terrible idea. And as someone who knows the "before-cancer-Kim", I would agree that staying home most days and not being particularly social sounds like a bad plan. But I realized that I needed some time to myself.
I also realized that I was heading down a slippery slope and was glad to get out the weekend just before my last chemo. I enjoyed some time with friends on October 7th to walk in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event here in Knoxville. I had some friends join me and it wasn't too bad. I wasn't breaking any records, but the sun was shining and I walked a 5K, which was probably more than I had walked during the previous 30 days. It was a great event and I really enjoyed talking with other breast cancer survivors as well as a man and his daughter who were walking in memory of his wife (her mother) who had passed away 3 years ago from a brain tumor (glioblastoma just like my mom). He was so kind and his daughter was just too sweet though my heart broke for her because you could still feel the loss she was working through even 3 years later. I enjoyed the conversations with other people who "get it" although I felt like the only bald female in attendance that day, but was encouraged by so many to stay strong. Here's my "team" The Breast Cancer Booty Kickers:
And, for the BIG news...[drum roll please]... I found out last week that I WILL be receiving radiation therapy (RT). There is much to say about this, but I'm going to have to save it for another post. The short version is that I was told having the second surgery (the axillary dissection) meant avoiding radiation. I was NOT given the information related to the statistics of having the radiation vs not having it, especially when one is pre-menopausal. There is a lot of GREAT information about radiation on the breastcancer.org website...here. My doctor explained that RT will greatly reduce the chance of recurrence for me, especially in about 10-14 years from now. This is really a no-brainer for me as I am still "young" at 43 and, more importantly, have three children who are not even 5 years old yet, so there are still many more memories to be shared with them.
So yes, I start radiation soon. Next week is my "planning appointment" where they make the mold for my arm which will allow me to stay VERY still during the process each day. Oh, did I mention that I will have RT Monday through Friday for a total of 33 treatments. I expect that I should complete the treatments just before Christmas. Each one is supposed to last about 15 minutes or so. During the planning appointment, they will also determine exactly where they will direct the "beam" in order kill any remaining cancer cells, or at least that's how I like to think of it. The location of my tumor was some cause for concern as it was so close to the chest wall (though, according to the pathology report, there was a clean margin albeit ever so slight) and very close to the internal mammary nodes. The RT will deliver these damaging rays of energy (hopefully) to the exact locations that might pose a threat.
I wasn't even aware of the internal mammary nodes nor did I realize that my tumor was so close to them. Apparently there are varying opinions as to whether RT is effective when targeted at these internal mammary nodes and there are risks. The main one for me is related to the radiation therapy in general as it puts me at an even greater risk for lymphedema. Blah! There can be minimal lung or rib damage as well. There should not be any risk for heart damage as it shouldn't be in the way. The other issues are related to the skin - burns, rashes, darkening of the skin. I can only hope that I am able to remember and keep up with the skin care regimen that they recommend in order to avoid any skin problems. [My chemo-brain and I are at odds as I have trouble remembering many things these days.]
Anyway, I apologize for my delayed post and for being MIA, but I just can't seem to find the words to write. I struggle to stay positive, upbeat and focused. My mind plays tricks on me. My body is weary after all of the toxic chemicals have been delivered. I AM thankful. VERY thankful for those drugs as I see them as a way to be sure that this breast cancer has truly had it's booty kicked. But I am more tired than I have been and than I expected. And I really have trouble just finding anything to hold my interest. My stick-to-it-iveness has blown out the window. I can't seem to get things done. My social contacts are limited. During the last couple of rounds of chemo, I often didn't bother answering the phone because I didn't have the energy or desire to talk.
Right now, I'm also struggling when I go out in public (not chemo or dr appts, but school meetings, the store, etc) because I feel like an outsider. I am sick of not having hair. I'm tired of hats, scarves, etc. I'm over just having one boob. I actually went for a fitting and got a prosthesis. Yes folks, it's a fake boob. And not the surgically implanted kind, but rather one that gets stuffed into a bra. A bra that I don't love because it is big and strappy and I feel completely unattractive and unfeminine in it. Did I mention that I'm sick of not having hair? I find myself staring at hair when I'm in public. Sometimes I forget that I don't have it and then realize that people are looking at me "like that" because I don't have hair and they are trying to process it. I catch myself staring at their hair and thinking they should be in a Pantene commercial. I don't know that I'll ever let it grow out to be long again. I just want enough to make me feel like a woman and also enough so that I don't HAVE to wear a hat or scarf (because sometimes it is just too hot or they just get in the way and it's a pain to find one to match an outfit).
The hair is growing though. Lots of fuzz on my head and we are still trying to determine if it is a lighter color than it was prior to chemo. I've been told it could come in curly but that does not seem to be the case as it stands straight up but is still not long or heavy enough to be smoothed over to one side. There is still lots of bare scalp, mind you, but progress is being made and I am truly thankful.
I apologize for being less than perky with my post. This is the reason for my delay. I've been taking some time "off" to just avoid writing and admitting to people how I really feel. Usually I hear people tell me how strong, brave and/or positive I am through all of this. But I don't feel that way. I just feel like a person trying to get to the end of this. I want to feel like it is behind me and I'm safe. But I wonder if I will ever really feel "safe" again?
When I am in the chemo room surrounded by people who really do know what I am going through (and often they are going through MUCH worse), I am at my best. I like to chat and visit and be me. It's about the closest to "pre-cancer-me" but I have realized that I am not who I was pre-cancer. I'm very different. Hopefully I will eventually become stronger, happier, more thankful, more generous, more productive, more loving, kinder and gentler. I feel like I am completely the opposite of all of those things today, but it comes-and-goes. My body is tired. My brain is tired. My spirit is tired. I know that I'm still waiting to find out how God can use this for His purpose. He can. I just have to let Him. But I need a little time to be weepy and deal with the big things that have happened so far. I'm going to turn this around....just give me a little more time and send up a few more prayers, if you don't mind.
Thanks and peace.
P.S. I have another team of Breast Cancer Booty Kickers joining me this Saturday, October 27th, in Knoxville for the Race for the Cure. It is another 5K raising money to help find a cure for this stupid breast cancer thing. Feel free to join the team or donate to the cause. Here are some links:
Link to my personal page with Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure
Link to my team page, The Breast Cancer Booty Kickers, for the Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure
I want to be celebrating. It is a big deal to get the big stuff over with but I was dreading the aftermath. They warn you that some of the side effects are cumulative, especially the fatigue, but I really couldn't have imagined how tired I would feel. And the issues with my mouth - potential mouth sores and the way that my taste buds were being ruined - were only getting worse for me. I couldn't find drinks that I enjoyed and that would satisfy my thirst. Food has tasted terrible for so long and I try to find what seems most enjoyable at the time, but it seems to change each time.
Thankfully I have also celebrated my last Neulasta injection and the last of the steroids that I take before, during and after big chemo. Both of these medications are an important part of the process, but they both certainly don't do much for me and my ability to push through each treatment. The Neulasta did it's job during each round of chemo. My white blood cell counts stayed at a level which allowed me to continue treatments and I also managed to avoid any major illnesses despite a non-existent immune system. And the steroids, well, I don't know exactly what they did for me, aside from contribute to assisting me pack on almost 20 lbs during the last 18 weeks. I believe they help reduce some of the potential side effects, so I guess they too did their job, because all and all, I think it went OK. Not great. But OK.
Chemo #5 really kept me down for a while. And it was just a hard time for me. I lost my friend, Wendy, to breast cancer on Sept. 22 and I just wasn't handling that very well. I spent a lot of time being alone. Some might think that is a terrible idea. And as someone who knows the "before-cancer-Kim", I would agree that staying home most days and not being particularly social sounds like a bad plan. But I realized that I needed some time to myself.
I also realized that I was heading down a slippery slope and was glad to get out the weekend just before my last chemo. I enjoyed some time with friends on October 7th to walk in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event here in Knoxville. I had some friends join me and it wasn't too bad. I wasn't breaking any records, but the sun was shining and I walked a 5K, which was probably more than I had walked during the previous 30 days. It was a great event and I really enjoyed talking with other breast cancer survivors as well as a man and his daughter who were walking in memory of his wife (her mother) who had passed away 3 years ago from a brain tumor (glioblastoma just like my mom). He was so kind and his daughter was just too sweet though my heart broke for her because you could still feel the loss she was working through even 3 years later. I enjoyed the conversations with other people who "get it" although I felt like the only bald female in attendance that day, but was encouraged by so many to stay strong. Here's my "team" The Breast Cancer Booty Kickers:
And, for the BIG news...[drum roll please]... I found out last week that I WILL be receiving radiation therapy (RT). There is much to say about this, but I'm going to have to save it for another post. The short version is that I was told having the second surgery (the axillary dissection) meant avoiding radiation. I was NOT given the information related to the statistics of having the radiation vs not having it, especially when one is pre-menopausal. There is a lot of GREAT information about radiation on the breastcancer.org website...here. My doctor explained that RT will greatly reduce the chance of recurrence for me, especially in about 10-14 years from now. This is really a no-brainer for me as I am still "young" at 43 and, more importantly, have three children who are not even 5 years old yet, so there are still many more memories to be shared with them.
So yes, I start radiation soon. Next week is my "planning appointment" where they make the mold for my arm which will allow me to stay VERY still during the process each day. Oh, did I mention that I will have RT Monday through Friday for a total of 33 treatments. I expect that I should complete the treatments just before Christmas. Each one is supposed to last about 15 minutes or so. During the planning appointment, they will also determine exactly where they will direct the "beam" in order kill any remaining cancer cells, or at least that's how I like to think of it. The location of my tumor was some cause for concern as it was so close to the chest wall (though, according to the pathology report, there was a clean margin albeit ever so slight) and very close to the internal mammary nodes. The RT will deliver these damaging rays of energy (hopefully) to the exact locations that might pose a threat.
I wasn't even aware of the internal mammary nodes nor did I realize that my tumor was so close to them. Apparently there are varying opinions as to whether RT is effective when targeted at these internal mammary nodes and there are risks. The main one for me is related to the radiation therapy in general as it puts me at an even greater risk for lymphedema. Blah! There can be minimal lung or rib damage as well. There should not be any risk for heart damage as it shouldn't be in the way. The other issues are related to the skin - burns, rashes, darkening of the skin. I can only hope that I am able to remember and keep up with the skin care regimen that they recommend in order to avoid any skin problems. [My chemo-brain and I are at odds as I have trouble remembering many things these days.]
Anyway, I apologize for my delayed post and for being MIA, but I just can't seem to find the words to write. I struggle to stay positive, upbeat and focused. My mind plays tricks on me. My body is weary after all of the toxic chemicals have been delivered. I AM thankful. VERY thankful for those drugs as I see them as a way to be sure that this breast cancer has truly had it's booty kicked. But I am more tired than I have been and than I expected. And I really have trouble just finding anything to hold my interest. My stick-to-it-iveness has blown out the window. I can't seem to get things done. My social contacts are limited. During the last couple of rounds of chemo, I often didn't bother answering the phone because I didn't have the energy or desire to talk.
Right now, I'm also struggling when I go out in public (not chemo or dr appts, but school meetings, the store, etc) because I feel like an outsider. I am sick of not having hair. I'm tired of hats, scarves, etc. I'm over just having one boob. I actually went for a fitting and got a prosthesis. Yes folks, it's a fake boob. And not the surgically implanted kind, but rather one that gets stuffed into a bra. A bra that I don't love because it is big and strappy and I feel completely unattractive and unfeminine in it. Did I mention that I'm sick of not having hair? I find myself staring at hair when I'm in public. Sometimes I forget that I don't have it and then realize that people are looking at me "like that" because I don't have hair and they are trying to process it. I catch myself staring at their hair and thinking they should be in a Pantene commercial. I don't know that I'll ever let it grow out to be long again. I just want enough to make me feel like a woman and also enough so that I don't HAVE to wear a hat or scarf (because sometimes it is just too hot or they just get in the way and it's a pain to find one to match an outfit).
The hair is growing though. Lots of fuzz on my head and we are still trying to determine if it is a lighter color than it was prior to chemo. I've been told it could come in curly but that does not seem to be the case as it stands straight up but is still not long or heavy enough to be smoothed over to one side. There is still lots of bare scalp, mind you, but progress is being made and I am truly thankful.
I apologize for being less than perky with my post. This is the reason for my delay. I've been taking some time "off" to just avoid writing and admitting to people how I really feel. Usually I hear people tell me how strong, brave and/or positive I am through all of this. But I don't feel that way. I just feel like a person trying to get to the end of this. I want to feel like it is behind me and I'm safe. But I wonder if I will ever really feel "safe" again?
When I am in the chemo room surrounded by people who really do know what I am going through (and often they are going through MUCH worse), I am at my best. I like to chat and visit and be me. It's about the closest to "pre-cancer-me" but I have realized that I am not who I was pre-cancer. I'm very different. Hopefully I will eventually become stronger, happier, more thankful, more generous, more productive, more loving, kinder and gentler. I feel like I am completely the opposite of all of those things today, but it comes-and-goes. My body is tired. My brain is tired. My spirit is tired. I know that I'm still waiting to find out how God can use this for His purpose. He can. I just have to let Him. But I need a little time to be weepy and deal with the big things that have happened so far. I'm going to turn this around....just give me a little more time and send up a few more prayers, if you don't mind.
Thanks and peace.
P.S. I have another team of Breast Cancer Booty Kickers joining me this Saturday, October 27th, in Knoxville for the Race for the Cure. It is another 5K raising money to help find a cure for this stupid breast cancer thing. Feel free to join the team or donate to the cause. Here are some links:
Link to my personal page with Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure
Link to my team page, The Breast Cancer Booty Kickers, for the Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure
Monday, September 17, 2012
Chemo #5 Done! Take THAT Breast Cancer!
I am kicking this breast cancer booty! I can just feel it happening. Today was round #5 and I have just one more big round scheduled for October 8th. If you have been around me much in the last few months, you know that October 8th is pretty high on my radar. I simply cannot wait to get this part of my little booty-kicking journey behind me. Although I do wonder how I will feel when I don't have "big" doses of chemo running through my system as my weapons of mass destruction.
I will continue to receive Herceptin treatments every three weeks until I have completed one year of infusions (somewhere around June 25 of 2013). This targeted drug works on the HER2 positive part of my tumor (or that is how I understand it). Though the tumor is no longer present, the Herceptin will locate any of the cells that have HER2 receptors (if they still exist). You can read more detailed information on their website here.
Today I was thrilled for the rain in Knoxville because my brother-in-law and my nephew were able to be my chemo buddies for part of my treatment. [Actually, I had my sister for part of the time too before she had to pick up Clark from school and later get the girls from their preschool.] My brother-in-law stuck it out for the entire treatment, which went much longer than usual. And, as usual, there were plenty of sweet people to chat with in the chemo room. I really love checking in with many of the patients and just catching up on what they are doing, but I can hardly remember what we talk about because my brain is chemo-mush. I'm sure I ask them the same questions every time I see them, but hopefully they have similar chemo-mush-brains and don't remember.
They were waiting on results of my MUGA scan (basically a test of my heart function to monitor the effects of the chemotherapy drugs and Herceptin). I had the test last Friday and it turns out that my numbers were better than when I began the treatments (surprising since I feel like my heart is coming out of my chest at times when I exert myself at all--like climbing stairs, carrying laundry, loading the dishwasher, unloading groceries). Once we had the news that my heart is doing just fine, they were able to get started.
I am trying to find out what else in next. I know that Tamoxifen is coming and I am not thrilled. It has lots of unpleasant side effects. My surgeon has scheduled a follow-up appointment (at Vanderbilt) and also an appointment with a plastic surgeon on December 26th. Who works on December 26th?!? I don't expect to get any surgeries scheduled anytime soon. As I understand it, I will have to wait for at least six months post "big chemo" and my chemo doctor has also indicated that it would be best to wait until my Herceptin treatments are complete (did I mention that isn't until June 2013???) because otherwise they would have to be interrupted when I have any additional surgeries. Ugh. That could mean having just one boob until next summer! This is NOT what I was expecting to hear and I definitely had my proverbial bubble burst when I received the news. But I will do what needs to be done in order to come out of this with NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE and to be sure that this stupid cancer NEVER RETURNS....in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM! No breast cancer. No lung cancer (my dad). No glioblastoma (brain cancer - it's what killed my mother). No ovarian or uterine cancer (as a result of any of the breast cancer treatments, fertility treatments or any other environmental damage I have inflicted upon myself). No cancer at all. Ever. I'm done.
Thankful for a productive day in the breast cancer booty kicking arena. And thankful for my chemo buddies, Karen, Tom and Tommy. And thankful for a wonderful dinner at home with Karen, Tom and the kiddos. And VERY thankful that all three fell asleep pretty easily this evening. And even more thankful that God is bigger than all of this cancer. He really is.
All in all a good day.
I also want to mention to very important events coming up in Knoxville:
I'm participating in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Event in Knoxville on October 7, 2012. My team is, of course, the Breast Cancer Booty Kickers. Here is the link to my personal page: Kim Louis - Breast Cancer Booty Kickers (ACS Making Strides Against Breast Cancer) Feel free to join my team or donate to support the work of the American Cancer Society. Every contribution counts, whether it is $1, $5, $10 or $50, so please consider supporting my efforts in any way you are able to at this time.
Also, on October 27th, I'll also be leading a team (again, the Breast Cancer Booty Kickers) in the Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure. Here is the link to my personal page for this event: Kim Louis - Breast Cancer Booty Kickers (Race for the Cure). Again, I can use more team members or contributions to help me reach my fundraising goal.
Both events are 5Ks and I am hopeful that I will be able to complete the entire course, though I expect to be walking . I would love to have any family, friends, co-workers, Knoxville residents who I have never met, fellow breast cancer (or ANY cancer) survivors and anyone else join me at either or both events. There is no pressure to run or walk. Cheerleaders also play an important role. :)
Thanks so much for joining me in this journey.
Peace.
I will continue to receive Herceptin treatments every three weeks until I have completed one year of infusions (somewhere around June 25 of 2013). This targeted drug works on the HER2 positive part of my tumor (or that is how I understand it). Though the tumor is no longer present, the Herceptin will locate any of the cells that have HER2 receptors (if they still exist). You can read more detailed information on their website here.
Today I was thrilled for the rain in Knoxville because my brother-in-law and my nephew were able to be my chemo buddies for part of my treatment. [Actually, I had my sister for part of the time too before she had to pick up Clark from school and later get the girls from their preschool.] My brother-in-law stuck it out for the entire treatment, which went much longer than usual. And, as usual, there were plenty of sweet people to chat with in the chemo room. I really love checking in with many of the patients and just catching up on what they are doing, but I can hardly remember what we talk about because my brain is chemo-mush. I'm sure I ask them the same questions every time I see them, but hopefully they have similar chemo-mush-brains and don't remember.
They were waiting on results of my MUGA scan (basically a test of my heart function to monitor the effects of the chemotherapy drugs and Herceptin). I had the test last Friday and it turns out that my numbers were better than when I began the treatments (surprising since I feel like my heart is coming out of my chest at times when I exert myself at all--like climbing stairs, carrying laundry, loading the dishwasher, unloading groceries). Once we had the news that my heart is doing just fine, they were able to get started.
I am trying to find out what else in next. I know that Tamoxifen is coming and I am not thrilled. It has lots of unpleasant side effects. My surgeon has scheduled a follow-up appointment (at Vanderbilt) and also an appointment with a plastic surgeon on December 26th. Who works on December 26th?!? I don't expect to get any surgeries scheduled anytime soon. As I understand it, I will have to wait for at least six months post "big chemo" and my chemo doctor has also indicated that it would be best to wait until my Herceptin treatments are complete (did I mention that isn't until June 2013???) because otherwise they would have to be interrupted when I have any additional surgeries. Ugh. That could mean having just one boob until next summer! This is NOT what I was expecting to hear and I definitely had my proverbial bubble burst when I received the news. But I will do what needs to be done in order to come out of this with NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE and to be sure that this stupid cancer NEVER RETURNS....in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM! No breast cancer. No lung cancer (my dad). No glioblastoma (brain cancer - it's what killed my mother). No ovarian or uterine cancer (as a result of any of the breast cancer treatments, fertility treatments or any other environmental damage I have inflicted upon myself). No cancer at all. Ever. I'm done.
Thankful for a productive day in the breast cancer booty kicking arena. And thankful for my chemo buddies, Karen, Tom and Tommy. And thankful for a wonderful dinner at home with Karen, Tom and the kiddos. And VERY thankful that all three fell asleep pretty easily this evening. And even more thankful that God is bigger than all of this cancer. He really is.
All in all a good day.
I also want to mention to very important events coming up in Knoxville:
I'm participating in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Event in Knoxville on October 7, 2012. My team is, of course, the Breast Cancer Booty Kickers. Here is the link to my personal page: Kim Louis - Breast Cancer Booty Kickers (ACS Making Strides Against Breast Cancer) Feel free to join my team or donate to support the work of the American Cancer Society. Every contribution counts, whether it is $1, $5, $10 or $50, so please consider supporting my efforts in any way you are able to at this time.
Also, on October 27th, I'll also be leading a team (again, the Breast Cancer Booty Kickers) in the Komen Knoxville Race for the Cure. Here is the link to my personal page for this event: Kim Louis - Breast Cancer Booty Kickers (Race for the Cure). Again, I can use more team members or contributions to help me reach my fundraising goal.
Both events are 5Ks and I am hopeful that I will be able to complete the entire course, though I expect to be walking . I would love to have any family, friends, co-workers, Knoxville residents who I have never met, fellow breast cancer (or ANY cancer) survivors and anyone else join me at either or both events. There is no pressure to run or walk. Cheerleaders also play an important role. :)
Thanks so much for joining me in this journey.
Peace.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Happy Birthday!
You know, it's one of those days where I just felt like I needed to pause and post something. Today is my birthday. That might sound sort of arrogant to share it here, but quite frankly, I'm pretty thrilled to have another birthday. And I hope to have many more. This year has freaked me out just a bit and so my birthday is something to celebrate, but I've felt a little "off" all day.
It seems that I needed to write on this particular day because of what I am going through now. One day, I hope that cancer won't be the first thing on my mind everyday. Maybe I'll forget that 2012 was the year I had cancer? I might not even remember that I was in the midst of cancer treatment when I had my forty-third birthday. It is what I do right now. I kick cancer booty. I'm not working as an accountant, but instead I'm trying to kick some breast cancer booty while still being a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, etc. Cancer does not define me, but I can't imagine not thinking about it all of the time like I do now. It has changed me - my perspective, my priorities, my faith, my relationships. My life, as it was pre-cancer, is not the same.
Is that good? Probably. I think I needed a swift kick in the pants. But did I think that cancer would be the life-altering event in my life? Nope. I definitely didn't see this one coming. And it has definitely been a blessing in its own unique way.
This year, I didn't plan a big dinner out with friends and hubby. I wasn't expecting a party or a vacation. In fact, I was ready to be in bed by 8p after a big day of celebrating as the current booty-kicking-me who wears out quickly. But not the celebrating that one might think. Troy brought home my favorite breakfast treat from Dunkin Donuts (Bavarian Cream!) this morning after he dropped Clark at school. I read books (and snuggled under a freshly laundered quilt) with the girls in the sunroom while he got ready for work. I had a nice lunch with friends. I had some special time with Clark after I picked him up from school with a trip to Einstein Bagels and then a quick trip to the park. I took a thirty minute nap. Dinner was at home with the kids (they didn't eat much which meant no special birthday dessert for any of them - boo!) and Nanny Barb and Mr. Jerry. I made my favorite pork tenderloin. (Troy is working a strange schedule right now as he is involved in training a new group of employees, so he wasn't home yet.) And then I spent some time reading with Emma, playing space ship with Clark and Kendall before snuggling for bedtime with them. And I am pooped. Stupid chemo.
But I was able to celebrate my birthday today and that's all that matters. So I'm thanking God for my birthday and the chance to celebrate it, despite the fact that I don't feel like "me" and I'm so tired, I'm truly grateful for another year.
Peace.
It seems that I needed to write on this particular day because of what I am going through now. One day, I hope that cancer won't be the first thing on my mind everyday. Maybe I'll forget that 2012 was the year I had cancer? I might not even remember that I was in the midst of cancer treatment when I had my forty-third birthday. It is what I do right now. I kick cancer booty. I'm not working as an accountant, but instead I'm trying to kick some breast cancer booty while still being a mom, a wife, a sister, a friend, etc. Cancer does not define me, but I can't imagine not thinking about it all of the time like I do now. It has changed me - my perspective, my priorities, my faith, my relationships. My life, as it was pre-cancer, is not the same.
Is that good? Probably. I think I needed a swift kick in the pants. But did I think that cancer would be the life-altering event in my life? Nope. I definitely didn't see this one coming. And it has definitely been a blessing in its own unique way.
This year, I didn't plan a big dinner out with friends and hubby. I wasn't expecting a party or a vacation. In fact, I was ready to be in bed by 8p after a big day of celebrating as the current booty-kicking-me who wears out quickly. But not the celebrating that one might think. Troy brought home my favorite breakfast treat from Dunkin Donuts (Bavarian Cream!) this morning after he dropped Clark at school. I read books (and snuggled under a freshly laundered quilt) with the girls in the sunroom while he got ready for work. I had a nice lunch with friends. I had some special time with Clark after I picked him up from school with a trip to Einstein Bagels and then a quick trip to the park. I took a thirty minute nap. Dinner was at home with the kids (they didn't eat much which meant no special birthday dessert for any of them - boo!) and Nanny Barb and Mr. Jerry. I made my favorite pork tenderloin. (Troy is working a strange schedule right now as he is involved in training a new group of employees, so he wasn't home yet.) And then I spent some time reading with Emma, playing space ship with Clark and Kendall before snuggling for bedtime with them. And I am pooped. Stupid chemo.
But I was able to celebrate my birthday today and that's all that matters. So I'm thanking God for my birthday and the chance to celebrate it, despite the fact that I don't feel like "me" and I'm so tired, I'm truly grateful for another year.
Peace.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
God Is In It
There are days when I feel like this whole thing really stinks. I get tired of telling people I'm just fine and trying to push through whatever it is that is really bothering me. Often I am very honest about how I am physically feeling (stomach issues, fatigue, body aches) but I don't like to admit that emotionally I am sometimes crumbling.
Last week was rough for me. A friend and neighbor who has been courageously battling inflammatory breast cancer is not doing well and they have called hospice to her home. My heart has been broken thinking about what this family has gone through already and what they are going through right now. But the fact is, God can heal her. It might not be the healing that we all would most likely mention in our prayers, but it is His healing and He will comfort them as well. Or He can heal her here on Earth. I can only continue to pray for BIG MIRACLES to happen to our precious friend.
At the same time, I heard the news that a young woman battling colon cancer passed away last week. I've been keeping up with the writings of this amazing Christian woman by the name of Sara Walker. She initially had a blog where she wrote about her family and then tragedy struck in December of 2010 when it was determined that her unborn daughter had died for unknown reasons just a few weeks before her due date. A month later, her world was rocked again by the news that she had stage IV colon cancer. I won't go into every little detail here but you can read her story in the following places:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker/
http://www.savoringtheday.com/
YouTube video of her "Grateful for cancer" story
I won't lie. I was scared. Terrified. I do NOT have stage IV breast cancer. It is just a mere stage IIb. But I won't deny that I have read stories about people who initially had stage II breast cancer and it returned one day and ultimately killed them. This is a reality that I avoid considering most days. When I am faced with stories of mothers who have cancer and who do not survive I ask God the obvious questions...."Why her? What about her children? Don't they need their mother?" I can't begin to tell you how many times I have cried and begged God to heal children with cancer. It remains one of my biggest struggles when it comes to my belief in God and maintaining my faith..."Why do these children have to suffer with cancer, terminal illnesses, lack of food and water, abuse, etc?" I can't begin to understand why these things happen. I can only trust that God can use these situations to His glory.
In the case of Sara Walker, she used her struggles, her illness, her suffering to tell others about her incredible Father. She shared how she wasn't afraid. She showed joy, courage, faith, compassion, strength...the list could go on and on. Sara was the "real deal" from what I can gather. I listened to the audio of her memorial service held last week and I just couldn't help but think "Why not me?"
Why can't I be that woman who shows strength and courage in the face of adversity? Why can't I profess my love of God and my faith that He will see me through this battle to a victory, whether that is here or in Heaven. Why can't I be the woman who gave and gave and gave of herself even when she was probably feeling at her worst? Why can't I be the woman who shared her faith with the people she worked with, the patients she served, the people she met daily, the people she whom she worshiped with? Well, I can be...if I just try harder. But would it mean that I would die too? Well yes, it WILL happen. Eventually. No one knows when or how. But after reading her posts and listening to her "Grateful for Cancer" video, I WANT to be her in so many ways. I was feeling lost.
Tuesday was a mini-chemo day for me. This means just Herceptin and about an hour at the chemo treatment center. God was in it with me on Tuesday. He knew that I was a hot mess. I was having stomach issues all night and ended up with about 4 hours of sleep. This after just returning from a trip to Nashville with the kids and the hubby to visit his sister and her family. Lots of activity and not as much sleep as I probably needed immediately following chemo. My plan was to get in and out of mini-chemo and enjoy the sleep offered to me as a result of the Benedryl they give me to help with side effects. [This is the same Benedryl that typically doesn't do much good because it is coupled with a nice dose of steroids for the "big" chemo treatments.] I was exhausted going into the building and left the house without a drink and didn't have snack plans.
I was lucky to get one of my favorite chemo nurses. OK, they are all pretty great, but she and I had been texting the day before and she was encouraging me as I struggled with the news about my friend/neighbor. So, here she comes and I can tell God is in it. We talk some and I am feeling a little better already. I read my Jesus Calling devotion and scripture for the day (which related to being close to Him and that He is the light of the world and can help me out of the darkness). Then this nice woman in a chair across from me is about to leave and offers to grab a snack for me. She also proceeds to discuss the amazing programs and services offered by my favorite local support center, The Cancer Support Community - East Tennessee. It was really pleasant and I just needed the distraction.
My visit is short and sweet and I leave without any incident (access to my port happened on the first try, I got to drink a real Coke and I wasn't feeling any bad effects from the treatment). As I walked off the elevator, the mailman was coming through the doors to make a delivery to the office downstairs. He said a very friendly "Have a great day!" and I responded with something equally cheery. I was stuck outside for a minute trying to get my keys out of my bag. He reappeared then and approached me asking if he could talk to me. He gave me some sort of explanation that he hoped would make this seem "normal" to me by telling me that his mother had been through breast cancer and had a mastectomy and he just felt like he needed to pray for me. I agreed and he placed his hand on my shoulder and prayed a confident, uplifting, positive, genuine prayer about my journey and asking for God to bless me. I thanked him as best I could. I mean, how do you thank someone you've never met for belting out a powerful prayer on your behalf? It was just amazing.
I got into my car and began to cry. It wasn't uncontrollable and it wasn't bad. I was seriously wondering if I was about to be in a terrible accident, or I was going to get horrific news. But instead, I just looked up at the sky and thanked God for these moments where He made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He is in IT...ALL OF IT.
Peace.
Last week was rough for me. A friend and neighbor who has been courageously battling inflammatory breast cancer is not doing well and they have called hospice to her home. My heart has been broken thinking about what this family has gone through already and what they are going through right now. But the fact is, God can heal her. It might not be the healing that we all would most likely mention in our prayers, but it is His healing and He will comfort them as well. Or He can heal her here on Earth. I can only continue to pray for BIG MIRACLES to happen to our precious friend.
At the same time, I heard the news that a young woman battling colon cancer passed away last week. I've been keeping up with the writings of this amazing Christian woman by the name of Sara Walker. She initially had a blog where she wrote about her family and then tragedy struck in December of 2010 when it was determined that her unborn daughter had died for unknown reasons just a few weeks before her due date. A month later, her world was rocked again by the news that she had stage IV colon cancer. I won't go into every little detail here but you can read her story in the following places:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker/
http://www.savoringtheday.com/
YouTube video of her "Grateful for cancer" story
I won't lie. I was scared. Terrified. I do NOT have stage IV breast cancer. It is just a mere stage IIb. But I won't deny that I have read stories about people who initially had stage II breast cancer and it returned one day and ultimately killed them. This is a reality that I avoid considering most days. When I am faced with stories of mothers who have cancer and who do not survive I ask God the obvious questions...."Why her? What about her children? Don't they need their mother?" I can't begin to tell you how many times I have cried and begged God to heal children with cancer. It remains one of my biggest struggles when it comes to my belief in God and maintaining my faith..."Why do these children have to suffer with cancer, terminal illnesses, lack of food and water, abuse, etc?" I can't begin to understand why these things happen. I can only trust that God can use these situations to His glory.
In the case of Sara Walker, she used her struggles, her illness, her suffering to tell others about her incredible Father. She shared how she wasn't afraid. She showed joy, courage, faith, compassion, strength...the list could go on and on. Sara was the "real deal" from what I can gather. I listened to the audio of her memorial service held last week and I just couldn't help but think "Why not me?"
Why can't I be that woman who shows strength and courage in the face of adversity? Why can't I profess my love of God and my faith that He will see me through this battle to a victory, whether that is here or in Heaven. Why can't I be the woman who gave and gave and gave of herself even when she was probably feeling at her worst? Why can't I be the woman who shared her faith with the people she worked with, the patients she served, the people she met daily, the people she whom she worshiped with? Well, I can be...if I just try harder. But would it mean that I would die too? Well yes, it WILL happen. Eventually. No one knows when or how. But after reading her posts and listening to her "Grateful for Cancer" video, I WANT to be her in so many ways. I was feeling lost.
Tuesday was a mini-chemo day for me. This means just Herceptin and about an hour at the chemo treatment center. God was in it with me on Tuesday. He knew that I was a hot mess. I was having stomach issues all night and ended up with about 4 hours of sleep. This after just returning from a trip to Nashville with the kids and the hubby to visit his sister and her family. Lots of activity and not as much sleep as I probably needed immediately following chemo. My plan was to get in and out of mini-chemo and enjoy the sleep offered to me as a result of the Benedryl they give me to help with side effects. [This is the same Benedryl that typically doesn't do much good because it is coupled with a nice dose of steroids for the "big" chemo treatments.] I was exhausted going into the building and left the house without a drink and didn't have snack plans.
I was lucky to get one of my favorite chemo nurses. OK, they are all pretty great, but she and I had been texting the day before and she was encouraging me as I struggled with the news about my friend/neighbor. So, here she comes and I can tell God is in it. We talk some and I am feeling a little better already. I read my Jesus Calling devotion and scripture for the day (which related to being close to Him and that He is the light of the world and can help me out of the darkness). Then this nice woman in a chair across from me is about to leave and offers to grab a snack for me. She also proceeds to discuss the amazing programs and services offered by my favorite local support center, The Cancer Support Community - East Tennessee. It was really pleasant and I just needed the distraction.
My visit is short and sweet and I leave without any incident (access to my port happened on the first try, I got to drink a real Coke and I wasn't feeling any bad effects from the treatment). As I walked off the elevator, the mailman was coming through the doors to make a delivery to the office downstairs. He said a very friendly "Have a great day!" and I responded with something equally cheery. I was stuck outside for a minute trying to get my keys out of my bag. He reappeared then and approached me asking if he could talk to me. He gave me some sort of explanation that he hoped would make this seem "normal" to me by telling me that his mother had been through breast cancer and had a mastectomy and he just felt like he needed to pray for me. I agreed and he placed his hand on my shoulder and prayed a confident, uplifting, positive, genuine prayer about my journey and asking for God to bless me. I thanked him as best I could. I mean, how do you thank someone you've never met for belting out a powerful prayer on your behalf? It was just amazing.
I got into my car and began to cry. It wasn't uncontrollable and it wasn't bad. I was seriously wondering if I was about to be in a terrible accident, or I was going to get horrific news. But instead, I just looked up at the sky and thanked God for these moments where He made it ABUNDANTLY clear that He is in IT...ALL OF IT.
Peace.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
What Intimidates Me....Today
Today I am pondering over the things that have made me feel just a little (or more) intimidated lately.
1.) This being the eve of another round of chemo (#4!!!) is just one of those intimidating things. Chemo is good. Funny I say that since it is also bad. Like toxic bad. Like makes your hair fall out bad. BUT it is also good. It is an amazing medical wonder that has happened that helps people kick all types of cancer booty. Seriously a medical wonder. Who thought this stuff up? Who was willing to be the first to get a chemo infusion? Now that would have been intimidating. The first person trying out chemo was a brave soul.
And so, here I am, anticipating the next round. For those that don't know, chemo infusions go pretty smoothly and aren't really that bad. The chemo room where I go is upbeat and the people are so friendly and hey, free snacks!!! Who doesn't love some free snacks, right?
But I dread the Neulasta shot the following day because I know that I will wake up the next morning barely able to chew (the bone pain that they mention seems to start out in my jaw every time). And for about two days I feel like I've got the flu times about 100 (maybe more).
It means that I'm sort of useless with the kids and the house for a few days, but I try. I'm definitely willing to be all sorts of affectionate with my little munchkins/cheerleaders and even able to read stories. But when they ask me to play in the backyard or push them in the swing or play catch, I feel like a bad mommy. This too shall pass. In a week or two, I can participate more. In fact, by the weekend, I should be feeling like playing a little more and more each day. So I'm saying "Hello chemo! Buh-bye cancer!"
2.) Victoria's Secret was intimidating yesterday. I had coupons for freebies. Free underwear and $10 off $10 (a little birthday coupon that I got the other day). How's that saying go? "If it's free, it's for me!" Yes. I planned on grabbing my freebies and walking out without spending a dime. It was sort of fun. Except when I realized I was surrounded by bras. And gigantic images of women with huge boobs. Or boobs that were at least pushed up to look huge and voluptuous and womanly. And suddenly I was intimidated and I felt broken and not feminine or womanly at all. I don't often worry about how my chest appears to others. I don't wear a prosthesis (yet, if ever) and I don't stuff a regular bra because the one time I did I felt like the padding was coming out of the top and I just couldn't get the padding to match the real side. Oh, and did I mention that it's summer and the heat has been crazy and the idea of having anything else to make me feel too warm is very unappealing since I'm already uncomfortably sweating under my hats/scarves most days? Yes, all of that stuff feels too hot for me, but it might be good in the Fall/Winter.
I checked out with my free underwear and told her that I still have another coupon and may or may not shop. She was friendly. I perused the little shelves of lotion, body spray, lip gloss and makeup and found something interesting and returned to the same cashier. At this point, I decided to use my humor and admit my insecurities (and address the elephant in the room - or the missing boob) and she and another clerk were VERY kind to me. We joked about whether I should get DD cups or just stick to a more "athletic-looking" B cup. I told them that when I get my new perkier boobs (sometime next year), I will be sure to come back to buy at least one pretty bra that makes me feel girlie and they were both very encouraging. They didn't have to be encouraging. It was sort of awkward. And they were both pretty young. But they were friendly and sweet and helped me feel a little less weird and freakish and I have to give them a shout-out for being so kind.
3.) A trip to Aldi's turned out to be more intimidating than my visit to Victoria's Secret. I had a short list of some things to grab and Aldi is so inexpensive compared to many items in typical grocery stores that I decided to run there to grab the basics for lunches this week. After a less-than-ideal experience shopping (due to a VERY unhappy toddler who was crying the entire time though she was accompanied by two parents and one could have easily gone to the car with her), I had my produce, cheese, veggies, some frozen items and other lunch things and headed to the checkout lane. If you have ever been to Aldi's, you know that customer service is not high on their priority list because they are working to keep costs down. I am OK with that theory in general and went there aware of this concept, though this was only my third time in this particular store and about my fifth visit to an Aldi store ever (in about two years). The cashier rang out my items and I went to pay for my groceries with a credit card (the one with points that is paid off monthly but used for groceries, gas, etc). It asked for my PIN and I don't have one. She reminded me that they don't take credit cards, only debit cards. I offered to write a check and she said that they only take cash or debit cards or EBT. At this point I am embarrassed because I also remembered that I lost my ATM card and have not re-activated my new one. I had no options. I called the husband but he was elbow-deep in baths and couldn't help me. I had to leave the groceries. She summoned a manager who voided the transaction and pushed (with force) the cart over towards another abandoned cart with no word to me. I then realized that my quarter cannot be retrieved since I no longer had a cart to return (Aldi has a cart system where you get your cart for a quarter and when you return it, you get your quarter back). Yes, it was just a quarter, but I didn't feel the need to leave it behind. I awkwardly asked the manager who didn't seem to understand my request and then she got it. After a huge **sigh**, she pulled a quarter out of her pocket and smacked it into my palm. Again, intimidated and mortified. I even drove to an ATM to see if I could activate my card and was unsuccessful. I was stressed and have chemo-brain and I'm not even sure that I had my PIN number correct. I intended on running back for my groceries but couldn't get cash so I was unable to do so. And, quite frankly, I was so frustrated with that manager I don't even want to bother shopping there again. It was a bad visit to Aldi. Intimidation 1: Kim 2
4.) A family-friendly trip to Lowe's Build and Grow workshop yesterday with Auntie Karen and myself and the three kiddos turned out to be VERY intimidating at first. We went there expecting that this was a workshop and there would be some sort of teaching involved. You know, like where they instruct the little ones on the appropriate use of safety goggles, hammers, etc? But that was not the case. And I don't fault Lowe's at all, we just didn't know what was involved. And we didn't come with enough helpers, let alone any men to participate. Yes, women can build things also, but the two of us aren't really known for our construction abilities, so we were both very intimidated. We could hear all of the banging and see projects coming together quickly at the tables with older children or the ones with parents (mostly men, but some women) who were helping out and quickly hammering the pieces together. In the end, the kids did great (and so did the auntie and the mommy). The girls were more interested at first and we worked with them and Clark was happy making his own masterpiece. Then I was able to spend time with him getting his wagon (actually a Shrek Onion Carriage) assembled and he did a great job getting nails into the holes and hammering them as instructed. He even placed the stickers without any instruction just by watching other kids (and his sisters). They all three came away with wagons that roll and we could proudly show them off to daddy when he got home from work. Intimidation be gone!
There are more things, but I'll stop there. I just wanted to write about feeling intimidated but remember how it felt to overcome it (in most cases).
Peace and Happy Sunday.
 |
| Image from Google search. Not my own. |
1.) This being the eve of another round of chemo (#4!!!) is just one of those intimidating things. Chemo is good. Funny I say that since it is also bad. Like toxic bad. Like makes your hair fall out bad. BUT it is also good. It is an amazing medical wonder that has happened that helps people kick all types of cancer booty. Seriously a medical wonder. Who thought this stuff up? Who was willing to be the first to get a chemo infusion? Now that would have been intimidating. The first person trying out chemo was a brave soul.
And so, here I am, anticipating the next round. For those that don't know, chemo infusions go pretty smoothly and aren't really that bad. The chemo room where I go is upbeat and the people are so friendly and hey, free snacks!!! Who doesn't love some free snacks, right?
But I dread the Neulasta shot the following day because I know that I will wake up the next morning barely able to chew (the bone pain that they mention seems to start out in my jaw every time). And for about two days I feel like I've got the flu times about 100 (maybe more).
It means that I'm sort of useless with the kids and the house for a few days, but I try. I'm definitely willing to be all sorts of affectionate with my little munchkins/cheerleaders and even able to read stories. But when they ask me to play in the backyard or push them in the swing or play catch, I feel like a bad mommy. This too shall pass. In a week or two, I can participate more. In fact, by the weekend, I should be feeling like playing a little more and more each day. So I'm saying "Hello chemo! Buh-bye cancer!"
| Image from Google search. Not my own. |
2.) Victoria's Secret was intimidating yesterday. I had coupons for freebies. Free underwear and $10 off $10 (a little birthday coupon that I got the other day). How's that saying go? "If it's free, it's for me!" Yes. I planned on grabbing my freebies and walking out without spending a dime. It was sort of fun. Except when I realized I was surrounded by bras. And gigantic images of women with huge boobs. Or boobs that were at least pushed up to look huge and voluptuous and womanly. And suddenly I was intimidated and I felt broken and not feminine or womanly at all. I don't often worry about how my chest appears to others. I don't wear a prosthesis (yet, if ever) and I don't stuff a regular bra because the one time I did I felt like the padding was coming out of the top and I just couldn't get the padding to match the real side. Oh, and did I mention that it's summer and the heat has been crazy and the idea of having anything else to make me feel too warm is very unappealing since I'm already uncomfortably sweating under my hats/scarves most days? Yes, all of that stuff feels too hot for me, but it might be good in the Fall/Winter.
I checked out with my free underwear and told her that I still have another coupon and may or may not shop. She was friendly. I perused the little shelves of lotion, body spray, lip gloss and makeup and found something interesting and returned to the same cashier. At this point, I decided to use my humor and admit my insecurities (and address the elephant in the room - or the missing boob) and she and another clerk were VERY kind to me. We joked about whether I should get DD cups or just stick to a more "athletic-looking" B cup. I told them that when I get my new perkier boobs (sometime next year), I will be sure to come back to buy at least one pretty bra that makes me feel girlie and they were both very encouraging. They didn't have to be encouraging. It was sort of awkward. And they were both pretty young. But they were friendly and sweet and helped me feel a little less weird and freakish and I have to give them a shout-out for being so kind.
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| Image from Aldi Press Center. Not my own. |
3.) A trip to Aldi's turned out to be more intimidating than my visit to Victoria's Secret. I had a short list of some things to grab and Aldi is so inexpensive compared to many items in typical grocery stores that I decided to run there to grab the basics for lunches this week. After a less-than-ideal experience shopping (due to a VERY unhappy toddler who was crying the entire time though she was accompanied by two parents and one could have easily gone to the car with her), I had my produce, cheese, veggies, some frozen items and other lunch things and headed to the checkout lane. If you have ever been to Aldi's, you know that customer service is not high on their priority list because they are working to keep costs down. I am OK with that theory in general and went there aware of this concept, though this was only my third time in this particular store and about my fifth visit to an Aldi store ever (in about two years). The cashier rang out my items and I went to pay for my groceries with a credit card (the one with points that is paid off monthly but used for groceries, gas, etc). It asked for my PIN and I don't have one. She reminded me that they don't take credit cards, only debit cards. I offered to write a check and she said that they only take cash or debit cards or EBT. At this point I am embarrassed because I also remembered that I lost my ATM card and have not re-activated my new one. I had no options. I called the husband but he was elbow-deep in baths and couldn't help me. I had to leave the groceries. She summoned a manager who voided the transaction and pushed (with force) the cart over towards another abandoned cart with no word to me. I then realized that my quarter cannot be retrieved since I no longer had a cart to return (Aldi has a cart system where you get your cart for a quarter and when you return it, you get your quarter back). Yes, it was just a quarter, but I didn't feel the need to leave it behind. I awkwardly asked the manager who didn't seem to understand my request and then she got it. After a huge **sigh**, she pulled a quarter out of her pocket and smacked it into my palm. Again, intimidated and mortified. I even drove to an ATM to see if I could activate my card and was unsuccessful. I was stressed and have chemo-brain and I'm not even sure that I had my PIN number correct. I intended on running back for my groceries but couldn't get cash so I was unable to do so. And, quite frankly, I was so frustrated with that manager I don't even want to bother shopping there again. It was a bad visit to Aldi. Intimidation 1: Kim 2
| Images from Google searches. Not my own. |
4.) A family-friendly trip to Lowe's Build and Grow workshop yesterday with Auntie Karen and myself and the three kiddos turned out to be VERY intimidating at first. We went there expecting that this was a workshop and there would be some sort of teaching involved. You know, like where they instruct the little ones on the appropriate use of safety goggles, hammers, etc? But that was not the case. And I don't fault Lowe's at all, we just didn't know what was involved. And we didn't come with enough helpers, let alone any men to participate. Yes, women can build things also, but the two of us aren't really known for our construction abilities, so we were both very intimidated. We could hear all of the banging and see projects coming together quickly at the tables with older children or the ones with parents (mostly men, but some women) who were helping out and quickly hammering the pieces together. In the end, the kids did great (and so did the auntie and the mommy). The girls were more interested at first and we worked with them and Clark was happy making his own masterpiece. Then I was able to spend time with him getting his wagon (actually a Shrek Onion Carriage) assembled and he did a great job getting nails into the holes and hammering them as instructed. He even placed the stickers without any instruction just by watching other kids (and his sisters). They all three came away with wagons that roll and we could proudly show them off to daddy when he got home from work. Intimidation be gone!
There are more things, but I'll stop there. I just wanted to write about feeling intimidated but remember how it felt to overcome it (in most cases).
Peace and Happy Sunday.
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