Thursday, May 30, 2013

In the Moment - Part I

Well, I have managed to drop off of the blogging radar for a while.  It's funny how cancer can take up so much of your life - your thoughts, time, prayers, money, energy- so that it was at times a relief to blog and at others a burden.  I decided to take a breather from blogging for a bit.  OK, I can't say that I made the conscious decision, but basically I took a break because I just haven't blogged.

What is it that I do all day?  Well, I have done a little work in order to meet our monthly cash flow needs.  And I have still managed my cancer but continuing to get to various doctor appointments, scans, tests, etc.  I also continue to receive Herceptin infusions every three weeks (more on this in another paragraph).  My kids still like to spend time with me despite the fact that I am the tired, boring mom (the one who prefers to read, snuggle, play Legos vs the one who will run around at the park and jump in the pool).  We started a small garden.  I took in a new job as an Independent Stylist with Stella & Dot (  I have cleaned out MANY tubs of clothing (the kids and mine) to donate (and many more remain).  And I continue to wake up each and every day feeling thankful that I am still here, but wondering if "IT" is back.

Every pain.  Every bump.  Every weird feeling.  Every thing that cannot be explained easily (by a fall, something I ate, etc) simply causes me anguish as I decide whether to call the doctor and then while I wait to hear what she says.  It isn't negative-thinking.  It is cancer.  It is the way your breath is just taken away when you first hear the words as part of your diagnosis.  And then you can't get the cancer out of there fast enough.  But once they tell you it is gone and they have done everything possible to prevent it from returning, you just can't help but wonder if it will be back.  And how will you find it?

The doctor doesn't do any specific scans or tests unless there is a problem.  But then there is a pain here and a weird feeling there.  And another lump here.  And the panic process starts all over again.  They order a test.  A biopsy.  An ultrasound.  And you wait.  When the news is good you finally feel like you can take a breathe again.  Like the sun is really shining at that moment.  For that moment.

(To be continued.......)

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