Check-in is 5:30am on Thursday. Whew. That is going to be a rough morning, although it will be nice to get past the no drinking or eating anything much earlier in the day this time.
Kendall seems to be having a tough time. She has been very adamant that she does not intend to stay elsewhere while Mommy has another operation. We've tried to remind her that staying with Barb and Jerry is like going to Disneyland, but that just isn't working. Tonight she started crying about not wanting to go to their house and not wanting to be away from me. And that lead to my tears and then I decided to be honest with her. I don't want this operation either. And I certainly don't want to be away from her. i explained that the doctors were going to work to make my boo-boo better. In my mind, I thought...But unfortunately, this stupid cancer-thing is going to force us to do things we don't want to do in order to be sure that I whoop some breast cancer booty. Stupid cancer.
It was hard to cry in front of her because I want her to think that it is all OK and Mommy will be fine, but I think it might have helped her realize that I'm sad too. Maybe that will help her process the whole thing? I don't know.
How can a 4 year old process cancer? They have seen this gigantic "boo-boo" and keep asking if it is getting better. Well, yes. And no. I mean, it's sort of been cut away. But the threat is still there. Cancer cells might be lurking and they must be DESTROYED. First there has to be another surgery to check the lymph nodes. And in order to really destroy those cancer cells, this means chemo. And chemo means that I will probably look MUCH worse and feel even worse before I really get better. I think it must be so confusing to them because I always feel confused.
A 4 year old gets a boo-boo and we offer a Band-aid and maybe some Neosporin. Then it heals quickly and we can take away the Band-aid. But with cancer, it just isn't that easy. Though I'd like to think that I got the "easy cancer", I'm really starting to wonder if any cancer is easy? It certainly doesn't feel easy.
And I know that the kids think this whole thing is probably pretty ridiculous. Odd schedules. Meals from people they have never met. Some visitors they don't really remember from prior contact. We've had more people in and out than we have had since the first year (and they don't remember that at all). As much as we would like to keep things "normal," they aren't (and now there is a schedule-change since the school year ended). It will take some time to get back to some sort of "normal" routine. I'd expect that maybe in a year we will be settling back into life as it was before? Yet I guess it will never be as it was.
Cancer changes you. It changes your outlook. Your perspective is different. Priorities are rearranged. Plans are suddenly different or even cancelled. Life is definitely not going to be "normal" ever again for me. I hope that it WILL be normal for them. I'm counting on them to be resilient and barely remember this time. I'm praying that this will be just a blip on their "timeline" so that it just doesn't cause long-term issues.
I can tell that I am rambling so I am going to shut it down for the night. I would like to be selfish and ask for prayers for me - I need sleep tonight. I was very restless last night and stayed busy today getting bills paid, negotiating payment schedules with various medical facilities, getting laundry done and just getting prepared to be back in the surgery-recovery mode for a couple of weeks. And I'd like to ask for prayers for my little ones. Please pray for peace for their little hearts and minds and I pray that they will find a lot of joy this week/weekend with Barb and Jerry and not be worried at all about anything else.
Thanks so much and peace to all of you, friends.